My Eating Disorder Journey

When I first found out about my cousin's eating disorder early in 10th grade, I was confused. How did something like eating, crucial to sustaining life, become so terrifying for her? I will admit that when I first heard, I thought having an eating disorder stemmed from shallow and self-obsessed thinking. Little did I know, anorexia is about much more than the body.

Later that year, when stay-at-home orders went into effect, I began to feel incredibly isolated and anxious. The country was divided, the pandemic was killing millions, and I couldn’t see my own family members. I felt so out of control. That was when I started to work out to pass my time. At first, I loved it. The chemicals that my brain released after going on a run made me feel joyful again. I started seeing a personal trainer for weightlifting and resistance training. I was given a balanced workout routine and diet plan to achieve my goals. However, I soon started intensely tracking calories, weighing out protein, and overworking out. This quickly propelled me into an unhealthy obsession with my appearance. I started cutting out different food groups, even oils, and dressings. I began tracking my calories, aiming to eat less and less each week. I thought I was in control, however, my eating disorder was controlling me.

That summer, when stay-at-home orders were lifted, I went with my family on a vacation. I was terrified to be in an environment where I couldn’t cook my own food and wouldn’t know every ingredient on my plate. On the last night of the trip, I hit my breaking point. My mom made me take my dinner from the local restaurant to-go because I hadn’t had a bite. The second I was in my hotel room alone, I threw the food out the window. When my mom returned, she instantly knew what I had done. The concerned look on her face caused me to break down crying. I finally acknowledged that I was suffering, my body was failing me, and I needed help.

When I got back to Los Angeles, I entered treatment. It was hard to overcome my fear of certain foods, but slowly I began to heal. In the hospital, I wrote on the wall “we can do hard things.” This alone is a strong and sweet reminder that I wanted to get better. And it is my prayer that more young women see the life they are called to live even within the depth and hardships of an eating disorder.

Following treatment, I was determined to eat a more balanced diet and live a healthier lifestyle. I am so proud to be free of the mental and physical hold my eating disorder had on my life. If it weren’t for the nutritionists, doctors, and family members who helped me heal, I wouldn’t be here.

Because of my experience, I gained so much empathy for people with eating disorders. I realized that anorexia is not narcissistic and not about curating an image, but the illusion of control. Now, as a survivor, it is my mission to live every day under the posture of love and the pursuit of my dreams. While in the hospital with nothing to do, I focused on my goals and what I was going to do once I got out. I came out of that hospital committed to learning more about self-love and confidence. I fell in love with journaling, affirmations, prayer, and meditation. I created a self-care routine and worked with a nutritionist and therapist to help me create a more balanced diet/lifestyle for myself. Since then I have been speaking at schools all over California and working with the Bloom Foundation to educate on how to practice self-love. One of my biggest dreams is to implement a self-love curriculum in schools nationwide so we can attack issues like bullying and eating disorders head-on.

If you are struggling with an eating disorder please reach out to a parent, therapist, or the National Eating Disorder Association. Anorexia almost took my life and it is my mission to inspire and encourage others that are experiencing the same thing. If you ever want someone to listen, my DM’s are always open along with the contact form at the bottom. Below are quick resources for help.

NEDA - 800-931-2237 CALL or TEXT to find support.

If you are in a crisis and need help immediately, text “NEDA” to 741741 to be connected with a trained volunteer at Crisis Text Line. Crisis Text Line provides free, 24/7 support via text message to individuals who are struggling with mental health, including eating disorders and are experiencing crisis situations.